| How I feel |
[20 Dec 2006|09:58am] |
So this is how I've been feeling lately. I want to sing in a band. In This Moment came to Bulldog Cafe not too long ago and they seriously blew me away. I mean, I see this chick with curly, blonde hair and a striped polo on early in the show and I'm thinking she's some chick from Louisville that I've never seen before and she's just chillin, listenin to music. Well then In This Moment gets on stage and she gets on with them. She takes off her jacket, has a fuckin sleeve on one of her arms, and just starts screaming. Omg I almost like fell back I was so blown away. They were INCREDIBLE. Anyway, she really inspired me and now I'd like to sing in a band. Thing is though, I don't just wanna sing, I wanna scream my fuckin head off like Maria did. Good God she is one bad ass chick, lol.
Anyway, I'm done with stupid fucking guys for a while. I'm just sick of them. They play these stupid little games and I just don't feel like putting up with it anymore, so I'm not going to. But I have been having some strange feelings lately. I can't tell if I have like I tiny kind of crush on this certain person or not. It would be really weird if I did, considering the situation. I dunno. Like I said, kind of strange.
So basically that's what's on my mind right now. I'm gonna get back to listening to In This Moment. :D
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[06 Nov 2006|02:20am] |
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So I find it hilarious that tomorrow is senior cut day but I'm not even staying home for that reason. I've had a cold since oh, Monday and I even left early Tuesday to rest. But it didn't work and now I have a horrible cough that I've had since Thursday. I spent a good half-hour coughing last night before I finally fell asleep so I called my mom from Erica's this morning to tell her that I need to go to the doctor or I'll die, lol. I was gonna go to school because I have 2 quizzes tomorrow but I really need to go to the doctor. So yeah.
Frank Starks called me today about my interview. Despite Mrs. Eschels' little goof, they still got my application early so that's good. Only problem is, I told him and even wrote on my application that Yale had the best medical school for research in the country but they don't. So I feel stupid. I looked at a list of top medical schools earlier this year and they were on top, but not anymore. I don't know. Anyway, my mom thinks I should apply to Duke and Johns Hopkins and even though I wasn't planning on it, I think I will. She just thinks I should apply to the schools that were higher on the list and that offer merit scholarships. So that's that.
Also, I like a boy. What's new, right? I mean, I'm not looking for anything serious but I really do like him. I just don't think it'll work out. My friend Jeremy said that we look cute together. That made me smile. :D I dunno I guess we'll just see what happens.
Alright I need to go to bed. I took 2 benadryl and some Robitussin so I am waaaay tired.
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| I hate hormones |
[25 Sep 2006|11:05pm] |
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I've been so happy lately and today I've felt like nothing but shit. I don't even know why I'm crying right now. Sure, I can sit here and make up reasons, but I honestly don't know why.
I get so emotional and then I start to think about my insecurities. I try so hard to hide them, and feel secure with myself, because I usually do, but every now and then I just get so down on myself. I feel like I'm not good enough. Like I've done something wrong. Am I being too clingy? Did I make a mistake? Did I embarrass myself? I don't get embarrassed anymore. But sometimes, when my mood is the way it is now, shit just gets to me, and it sucks.
I'm really not upset about Matt anymore. Finding out about Matt and meeting Chris at the same time was a gift from God, no joke. Not that Chris is the answer, I definitely wouldn't say anything that serious this early into getting to know him, but Matt wasn't the right kind of guy for me. I've always dated this certain type, which I considered my type, but it's really not. Chris is the right kind of guy for me. The right guy? Maybe, maybe not, I don't know, I'm not looking for anything serious so that may never happen, but he's the right type. He's smart, he's funny, and he knows how to control himself and behave when he needs to, lol. He's goal-oriented and somewhat career-driven, he's going to school and he pays for things, which is nice. I don't mind paying my way, but it's kind of fucked up if the girl is constantly paying for the guy. So it works.
I don't know. I just feel like something's wrong with me. Like I'm pushing for something subconsciously that I already consciously decided I don't need. It's weird I guess. Maybe it's just what I'm used to. But that's what I'm trying to break away from. I want to try something new, even if it feels weird.
I think I just needed to talk myself through things before I go to sleep. I feel a lot better now.
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| This weekend |
[04 Sep 2006|11:26am] |
So, this weekend was alright. Friday I was supposed to hang out with Trey but those plans fell through because his mom forgot that he wanted her to babysit Courtney for him. Then on Saturday Erica and I were going to go to a closing party for Oscar Brown's but the plans for that fell through as well, which really does suck because well it will obviously never be open again. Well then Trey and I were going to hang out, but he decided he didn't want to go anywhere. He invited me to his house but I just didn't feel like going there alone, lol. Anyway, he said that next time we'll actually make plans to go out some night and that he won't see a movie that week so he can see one with me, lol. Apparently, he goes to the movies every Monday and Friday, I dunno.
Well anyway, Friday I did nothing. On Saturday, I ended up going to Lauran's friend's apartment, and got to play with snakes and stuff. I just kind of sat around and talked about music with some people. It wasn't too exciting, but I still had a good time just chillin with people. Last night was a better night. Erica and I went to Ashley's boyfriend's house to listen to the game, which we eventually left in the middle of but didn't care because UK was losing :(. Yeah we pretty much suck in football. Anyway, we went to Stephy's and Bruce's apartment to make plans with them and I saw their baby and she is soooo cute! So we stopped by a gas station, Bruce got some beer, and we went back to Bill's. I didn't drink because well, I had to drive, lol. Towards the end of the night, I got to hold Alex because I hadn't had a chance all night. She was squirming a lot but then I gave her a binky (paci, I call them binkies, they got confused when I said "where's her binky?") and then laid her close to my stomach. I noticed that I was breathing in a slow, steady rhythm and she was moving with it and I had been running my finger across her leg because her skin's so soft, so I did it all in the same rhythm and she fell asleep. She was knocked. Everytime the door slammed she would curl up and scrunch her face up like she was about to cry, and then she'd fall asleep with her face scrunched up like that. It was so cute!
Anyway, last night was a good night. Next weekend should be fun, too. I think on Friday I'm gonna go to the football game since I haven't been to one yet this year, and then Saturday is LRS Fest! It's going to be fun. I'm gonna get there early so I can find a good spot to park and a good spot in line. If we get in very early, we'll probably go chill by the local stage and see if Trey and all them are back there. But yeah, should be fun.
Ok well I'm gonna eat breakfast and start on homework. Toodles!
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| Senior year! |
[15 Aug 2006|06:36am] |
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mood |
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excited |
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So I'm excited to be starting my senior year today! I wasn't at first but now that all the work is out of the way, I am.
And I am convinced that love betweeen celebrities does not exist. First Jen and Brad, then Nick and Jessica, then Carmen and Dave. And now Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler. The one couple I thought was so incredibly cute together and I could tell they were truly in love, the couple whose silly antics reminded me of me and Matt, is going to split up. What is this world coming to?
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| Yay! |
[13 Aug 2006|10:33pm] |
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So I only have one Calculus assignment left, which is only 4 problems and I'm probably a third of the way through the criticism part of Anna Karenina.
I don't know, part of me is anxious to go back to school since this summer hasn't been all that exciting and since it's my senior year, but I'm just so afraid that I'm going to fall back into the old routine. Coming home, taking a 2 or sometimes 3 hour nap, doing hw til 11, not being able to fall asleep until 1, waking up at 6. I've decided that the one thing I deperately need to change about my routine is nap-taking. I just can't do it. I have to quit. I need to just get enough sleep at home. If I cut those out and still can't fall asleep, then maybe I need to consider sleep aids.
I dunno, I have a study hall and I'm only taking 2 AP classes so I'm praying that the workload won't be that huge, but we'll see. I feel confident that this year will be a better year for me in terms of health and stress-level, but I'm beginning to feel stressed with even the thought of school. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about how stressed out I was last year. And I've already decided that if it becomes too unbearable, I'm not doing the science fair things. I'll focus only on AChemS if I need to, but I don't need the extra stress. Well, I guess we'll see how it goes.
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| Fuck |
[10 Aug 2006|05:21pm] |
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Someone or something or maybe the world is just shitting on me today. So now that I've stayed here til 5, I can't leave, or well I don't exactly want to, because I left my god damn umbrella in the fucking car this morning because my dumb ass woke up, looked outside and decided I might not need it today. Someone has seriously cursed me. I mean, they must hate me a lot. God fuckin shit. Ugh. I give up, lol.
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| Grr |
[10 Aug 2006|01:01pm] |
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Ok so I'm kind of pissed, once again. It happens so often at work. I sent George an email last week asking to use the confocal from 3-5 on Monday and 1-5 on Thursday. He thought I asked for 3-5 on Thursday, so now there's someone else in there scanning. I didn't actually want to be here until 5. And if I could use the confocal now, I probably wouldn't be here til 5. I'd probably be able to leave between 3 and 4. I don't want to deal with rush hour traffic. But no, I'm stuck here now. I can't do Calculus early so I can do other things later tonight, I'll be starting it around 6 again and ending around 8. I could seriously cry right now, I'm so frustrated, I want to go home and I have absolutely nothing to do but sit here on the damn computer for the next 2 hours. I'm pissed.
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[10 Aug 2006|10:07am] |
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 indescribable |
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I'm in a weird mood today. I really don't want to be at work. I don't know what I want to do. I just feel like crying, and I have no idea why. I miss Matt. I haven't talked to him in almost 2 weeks. Yeah I know, not a long time, but I feel weird. I had a dream about him last night and it made me sad. And I have all this stuff I wanna say, so many feelings to get out, but I have no clue how to even put it into words. You know how sometimes you hear one song that just moves you? Like it produces such a strong emotion in you and you want to act on it but don't know how. Well that's kinda what it's like when I hear the song "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder. I don't even know what it is about that song, it just makes me feel, oh, I dunno. Like I said, I'm in a weird mood today. I don't want to just go home today and do Calculus. I wanna do something, but I don't know what.
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| Ugh |
[08 Aug 2006|09:15am] |
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I am beyond pissed right now. I'm so angry I can't even express it. I fucking got here early today so I could get some shit done before going out to lunch with the lab, and no one is here. Fucking great. That punk ass kid that stole my keys won't even steal my fucking car, and I'm just pissed because they were too chicken shit to even return my keys, so now I can't get into the lab. I could seriously rip someone's head off right now, not even joking. I have to get this shit done today, but I can't drive all the way out to the east end to go to lunch and see a movie and then drive all the way back here. Seriously, worst comes to worst and I don't have any time to do anything else but label my slides, I'll just ask Robin if she's coming back to the lab and if she can do my antigen retrieval and troma1 labeling for me. That's my last resort. But if they get here say 10:30, I know I can't do it all in an hour, so I'll have to ask her to do it later. I can't push things back another day. I just can't. Because school is gonna start and I'll be stressed and I'll never get any of this done. I won't. So that's what I'm going to do. If no one is here by 10, I'm just gonna ask Robin if she can finish it for me. That's my only choice. And I hate to do that but you know what? I was here early, and it certianly is not my fault that I can't do anything. So there. Ugh.
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| AHHH!!! |
[07 Aug 2006|07:39pm] |
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 worried |
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Ok so I think I'm gaining weight. Well, I hope I'm not. I mean, it's only a 4 pound difference from what I'm used to seeing, but I can't remember when during the day I had weighed myself before. My weight could just be fluctuating during the day like it normally does. I honestly hope to God that that is the case. Either that or that I need to quit eating junk food, which I've been planning on doing. I'm planning to stop eating as much junk food, eat healthier, drink only water, Propel, or diet lemonade, go for a walk at night for at least half an hour, and do sit-ups so that my prom dress will fit me well. I get that dress in a week. My mom ordered it from the Macy's in New York and she told me that for every pound I lose, she'll give me $10 in addition to the $200 she's already promised to pay for the dress. If I lose 20 lbs., she'll be paying for the dress and I won't pay for any of it. I jst really hope I'm fat, lol. If I gain anymore weight though, I may have to take a trip to the doctor, and I really don't want to do that. I really don't want anything to go wrong. My mom would kill me, especially now that she's ordered that dress. I mean, what would I do? Sell it? I don't think I could send it back and even if I did, I'd still have to pay shipping and handeling. Oh well, I just need to not stress about it. I'll drive myself insane if I do.
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| School Schedule |
[04 Aug 2006|10:17pm] |
Ap English
Physics
Study Skills
Choir
AP Calculus BC
Spanish 3
I'm pissed, I couldn't take AP Psychology which I've been looking forward to taking since Freshman year. But I also couldn't give up my 4th or 5th period classes. Oh well, at least I have study hall now so I can get some homework done in school, which will be nice. And now I'm only taking 3 AP classes instead of 2. But I haven't decided whether I'm happy or upset about that. We'll see.
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[03 Aug 2006|11:39am] |
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So that last entry was just for me, obviously. But I forgot about the lab lunch. Ugh I think that will be on Tuesday so I guess I'll be looking at tongues on Wednesday and capturing on Thursday and Friday, and either looking for taste buds or capturing them on Monday. And I probably will need to come in after school. Grr. Ok well I guess I feel a little bit better now that I have my scchedule kind of worked out.
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| Work Schedule |
[03 Aug 2006|10:13am] |
So I need to get my plans straight before I lose my mind. I know that today I am at least capturing taste buds for the adult mouse I just labeled.
Monday I need to section and coverslip, which should take me a good 2 to 3 hours. Then I need to count taste buds, which could take between 2 and 3 hours. I'd say I'll give myself until at least 2 o'clock to get that done. So I think I'll reserve the confocal from 2:30 til at the lastest 5. Which means I'll probably only get one mouse done, but that's all I'll need.
Then Tuesday I'll label, which took me a good 2 to 3 hours yesterday. After lunch I can look for taste buds in the 3 tongues that I'll finish Monday, which should be another 2 to 3 hours.
Wednesday I'll do more labeling, which could take 4 hours altogether, and then I can schedule confocal time from 1-5 to capture taste buds. I'll probably get two mice done if I'm lucky.
Thursday will be the last of the labeling, which will probably take about 3 hours at the most, and I can schedule time from 1-5 again if I need it.
Friday I'll coverslip, which will only take about an 1 to 2 hours, and then I can look for taste buds in those mice.
Monday I can measure taste buds in the morning, and use the confocal after lunch for about 4 hours. If I need to, I can schedule confocal time after school for 2 hours that week since I won't have much hw anyway.
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| LRS Fest |
[31 Jul 2006|10:40am] |
Ok so I just found out who is supposed to play at LRS Fest so far.
Nationals
Three Days Grace
Rock Kills Kid
Hawthorne Heights
Head Automatica
More To Be Announces
Locals
Subrosa
(InTheClear)
7DaySun
Antikythera
Two Pump Chump
Institution
Ah I'm sooo excited! I get to see Hawthorne Heights! And (InTheClear) will be there as well as Subrosa and 7DaySun and they are all good! I'm excited! Last year Trey couldn't even meet me up at LRS Fest and this year he'll be playing there. Woohoo! Ok, I can't wait for Sept. 9th! Erica better be able to go with me so we can have fun like old times rockin out to the local bands! Ooh and we'll get to scream together during Hawthorne Heights, lol. I am uber excited.
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[03 Jul 2006|02:50pm] |
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So my Florida vacation with Erica was an absolute blast! Oh my gosh I had so much fun. I seriously think that's one of the best vacations I've been on. I was completely relaxed the entire time. I was in the pool everyday and I even swam in the ocean. At Panama City Beach, the water is piss yellow so I hardly ever get in but in Destin it is crystal blue and beautiful! The water us also a lot warmer in the summer. Oh and on Saturday I made friends with a fish. He was a black and white striped anchovy and he kept following me around in the water, it was so cute! He even followed me up to shore until it wasn't deep enough for him. On Thursday we all went go-kart racing which was fun but I had a shitty slow one. Tori was laughing at me cuz I was getting pissed off while I was driving, lol. On Friday we went out on the bay in a pontoon and rode on jet skies. That was sooooo much fun but I rode with Erica so I was hanging on for dear life. I almost fell off a couple times and the next day my legs were really sore but it was still fun. Everynight Erica and some of the guys played cornhole which I just enjoyed watching. We ended up meeting some guys (Erica's idea) but we only hung out with them one night. Overall the trip to Florida awesome and I really hope I can go on another vacation with her some day.
Unfortunately my joy didn't last for long. I was very emotional yesterday when we left and some things that happened in the morning didn't help. First of all we almost got T-boned by a huge SUV that ran a red light. We were saved because Erica's grandpa was fooling with some money so he didn't go right away. For some reason that shook me up, but then we drove past a wreck about an hour later. Two cars looked like they had been flipped and had the tops cut off, obviously work of the jaws of life. The seats in the cars were crushed but before we pulled up past the wreck I saw a man in a sports jacket cross the road. But he was a chaplin. Then I saw firefighters holding up a white sheet, and I just wanted to burst out crying. Sure, I've seen wrecks before, but I've never actually known as I saw the damage that someone had died. This time I did and for some reason it bothered me. I just thought about what almost happened to us an hour before, and how the people killed might've been going home after a nice vacation. One of the vehicles in the accident was an RV. I dunno, like I said, I was just emotional, but stuff like that makes me second guess whether I want to be a doctor or not. I will see people die. That's a given. And I can cry about it later if I need to. But I just don't know how I'll hold myself together on the job. I guess that's just something I have to think about.
Anyway, I'm about to leave work. I'm sure I'll write a more uplifting entry later.
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[20 Jun 2006|10:17am] |
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So yeah. It's been a while. I'm in the lab right now, just "working" for money. Haha. Anyway, this summer has been, eh, ok so far. I mean, it's not bad, it just hasn't really been that exciting, or at least as exciting as it was last year. I dunno, it doesn't matter. I'm enjoying myself, I'm making money, getting summer school work done, and my room will hopefully be complete by the end of the summer. I still need a bookshelf, and I need to find something to do with all the crap in my closet. It's coming along.
So anyway, I'm going to Florida next week with Erica and her family. It should be fun. I'll finally get some sun. I told myself I'd go to the pool a lot more this summer, like on the weekend, but yeah, I haven't really done that. Before I go to Florida I'd like to go to my dad's. I'm thinking I may go either tomorrow or Thursday. I haven't decided. I still want my nose pierced but I dunno if I'll actually do it. We'll see.
Matt will be visiting when I get back from Florida, and I think Laura will be here too. I'm excited to see both of them. I just saw Laura in New York about 2 weeks ago, but it was only for a little bit, so I'm looking forward to seeing her again. Matt got his tongue pierced so yeah, that should be interesting. He may not have it when he gets here though, because the army makes no sense and might not even let him put a retainer in to keep the piercing open. You know, like a retainer that NO ONE CAN SEE. Oh yeah and two of Matt's NCO's have their tongues pierced but they're allowed because "they have rank." I'm sorry, I fail to see the army's logic. But whatev.
Well that's all I have for now. I think I'll get back to reading Anna Karenina which, although it's gigantomous, is a pretty good book. Later.
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| Grrrrr..... |
[01 May 2006|03:57pm] |
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Well today has pretty much been the day from hell so I thought I'd update. So basically, I'm not going to talk to Talor until she says something to me. I'm so fucking sick and tired of having to defend myself, I could puke, and I'm not gonna do it anymore, plain and simple. If that means we're never friends again, then so be it. I'm done. So what makes me say all this? Ok well a month or so ago, Talor gave me a note saying she was tired of hearing about the mistakes I was making blah, blah, blah and that she was going to distance herself from me. Did that really happen? Well no, in fact, it didn't. So today at lunch I come in and I'm pissed because I've just finished AP testing anf the lunch ladies pissed me off so yeah. I complain. I do almost everytime I come into lunch because the school administration pisses me off. So I go about quietly eating my lunch after that. Then Stephanie comes and sits down and asks Talor if she's gonna sit there the rest of the year and she says yes, then she asks me and of course, I say yes because well, who wants to sit by themselves at lunch? Well then Talor goes "I actually moved over here because I'm tired of hearing you complain all the time." WTF????? Where the fuck did that come from??? So then I got upset and was telling DJ about how fucked up it was because she had never said anything to me. Then she goes "it's not just that though." And so I was wondering what was up and why she never said anything. She goes "well I did in that note. I said I was going to distnace myself from you." By this time I'm heated, and I'm pretty much yelling. I was like "Talor I tried not to talk about mine and Matt's relationship like that to you anymore cuz I knew you didn't want to hear it." And she was telling me that no I didn't because I talked about to Abbie and she could hear. Ok. so at this point I was like "Yeah I know Abbie does most of the talking though and I hardly ever talk about Matt plus Abbie rarely goes to lunch and I was talking to her, not to you." And she was like "so you whisper in front of me, that's nice." Here's the things though. If I ever left the table to talk with Abbie, guess what? TALOR WOULD BE PISSED!!!! So it's a lose-lose situation. Anyway, I'm sick of explaining myself. She never once told me and Abbie to talk somewhere else or not to talk about it front of her so yeah. I'm through. I'll be on later.
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[11 Feb 2006|05:42pm] |
I wish I could sleep forever. I'm so tired of this. I can't seem to have fun anymore. I've tried. I either get upset or annoyed for a dumb reason. I'm trying so hard not to feel like shit everyday. I'm trying to find things to do, to think about, whatever, and I just can't do it. I don't want to feel like this again. Freshman year was the worst, last year wasn't much better. But after that, I had some of the best, most fun days of my life, and I just felt happy. What happened? I really don't know. I just feel sick to my stomach and all I can seem to do is cry.
I had fun last night. It was nice, but at the same time sucked cuz I knew it'd be the last time. From Within is gone, and I just can't seem to find a band that I like to see as much as I always loved to go see them. I guess it doesn't matter though, whatever. Anyway, the show was good, but sad. People cried. I enjoyed it, but as always felt a little upset or weird or whatever. I won't discuss why. Anyway, it was good. I just wish Erica could've been there.
I miss Erica. I don't know what's going on with her. She says she's grounded, and I guess she sneaks out to hang out with Ashlee. I can't stay out late so I guess it'll be a while before we hang out again. I dunno, I just had this bad feeling that she was getting into old habits. I don't think she is, I just worry about her sometimes. I don't want her to be the way she was. I didn't like that Erica. We weren't friends. I dunno.
I guess I just feel like everything's turning to shit. I shouldn't feel that way, but I'm waiting for something to make me feel differently.
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| Life is wonderful |
[06 Feb 2006|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Not. I'm so sick of everything. I'm sick of trying. Sick of caring. My mom is being a bitch lately. I just don't want to hear anything that comes out of her mouth right now. Even if it is for my own good. I don't want to break up with Matt. I don't want to date new people. I don't want to make excuses. I just don't care.
I'm glad you've "washed your hands" of me. I don't want you to care about me if it's just an inconvenience to you. I don't need it. I don't need anything. I don't want anything. I could give a shit less if I even left my house and went out again. I don't want to try to do anything anymore. I'm done. I'm more than exhausted. And yes, I'm well aware that it's all my fault. I DON'T CARE.
Fuck school. Fuck grades. Fuck stupid-ass science fair judges who can go lick a cock. I care enough about school to keep trying, but I would also like to sleep.
I want to talk to friends again. I miss them. But I'm just tired. I'll get better. I just want one day where I don't feel like shit. Just one. Maybe that means I need to change back to my old birth control. I'll have that dreaded week where I just feel like shit but if it means I'll feel good the rest of the time, then I'll go for it.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do to solve the problem. And I don't even know if I want to do what it takes.
I just don't know.
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